Talking To Your Child About Their Psychoeducational Assessment: The Importance of Sharing Your Child’s Diagnosis with Them and How to Approach It

When parents embark on the journey of a psychoeducational assessment for their child, a common question I hear from parents is: should they share the diagnosis with their child? For me, the answer to this question is easy: a resounding yes! Although my answer to parents is almost always absolutely, I recognize that this can feel like a daunting task. Finding out about a new diagnosis can be a lot for parents; parents may feel overwhelmed and often even a little scared. As parents navigate through these feelings, they might worry about how sharing the diagnosis with their child could affect them. In this article, we will explore the significance of discussing diagnoses with children, addressing common worries, and providing guidance on how to approach this important conversation.

Why Share the Diagnosis?

Many parents may hesitate to share their child’s diagnosis with them because they may be concerned about negative stigma, a child using a diagnosis as a crutch (e.g., I’m not even going to try reading that book because I have dyslexia), or a self-fulfilling prophecy. While I understand where parents are coming from (these are valid feelings), the benefits of a child understanding their own brain outweighs the potential negatives.  

Transforming negative self-talk into self-compassion. Children left without a proper understanding of their brain differences may develop negative self-labels as a way to explain their struggles: “I’m stupid,” “I’m annoying,” “I’m a troublemaker,” “I’m not good at school,” or various other negative labels our kiddos will come up with. A label can be used as a nonjudgmental way of describing some of their challenges “I have ADHD, this makes paying attention in class more difficult for me.”

Promoting self-understanding and acceptance. Once children and parents understand that it is not the child’s fault that they are struggling, but specific brain differences, children can begin to stop blaming themselves for their perceived failures. They can understand how the brain that they were born with makes some things easier for them, but also some things more challenging for them. Through this process they can begin to heal and accept themselves as they are.

Developing self-advocacy skills. I have yet to hear a parent say that they don’t want their child to be as successful and happy as they can be. When a child doesn’t understand their brain, they can’t ask for what they need. Normalizing your child’s strengths and challenges will help your child feel more comfortable about self-advocating for their needs, this will be particularly important through adolescence into adulthood.  Understanding their brain differences equips children with the knowledge needed to develop effective strategies and seek necessary support, crucial for success in school and life.

Developing new connections and a sense of belonging. When a child learns about their diagnosis there is a whole group of like-minded people waiting to welcome them into their neurodivergent community. Research shows fairly consistently that opportunities to connect with people who have the same diagnosis as you can be extremely rewarding. Knowing your diagnosis and finding “your people” can bring a wonderful sense of belonging to children; they are no longer alone!

Validating and offering relief. A diagnosis can be validating, shifting the narrative from "I'm broken" to "I'm different, and that's okay," providing a sense of relief for both the child and their family.

How to Approach the Conversation

Starting Early: Before the Assessment. Initiating the conversation before the assessment is ideal, however, it is not necessary (don’t worry if you have already completed an assessment!).  The reason that I believe it helps kids to start the conversation prior to the assessment is that it helps with providing context for the assessment itself and allows for an easier follow up with the “diagnosis talk”.

Bring it up naturally. Allowing the conversation to occur naturally is usually best. You may want to start with some observations that are consistent with the diagnosis that is being explored. For instance, on a day that you have had to repeat instructions for what feels like the tenth time to your child, you might say “Hey buddy, I’ve had to remind you a whole lot of times today to put your lunch in your backpack. I know you aren’t doing it on purpose and that you are trying, I just think that sometimes remembering what to do is hard for you. What do you think?” When you gently bring to light behaviour that fits with the child’s potential diagnosis in a nonjudgemental way, your child will likely be more open to seeing how the diagnosis fits with their lived experiences. 

Use developmentally appropriate language and normalize brain differences. I absolutely love Liz Angoff’s resources (https://explainingbrains.com/blog/) and highly recommend you check them out if you are struggling with finding the words to explain your child’s diagnosis to them. She takes an approach that focuses on brain differences and normalizes that everyone has strengths and challenges. For young children, I like to frame this concept by explaining that all brains are built in a way that makes some things easy but also some things hard. It’s the specific patterns of these strengths and challenges that can be associated with a diagnosis. 

Focus on strengths and challenges while connecting both to their diagnosis. Make sure you aren’t only focusing on negative language. You are going to want to be prepared to share a whole bunch of wonderful things that you know about your child (e.g., their passion for cars, their artistic abilities, their kindness, their organizational skills, their creative mind, etc.). Many of these strengths can be connected to their unique brain. When you introduce some of their challenges to them, which hopefully they will already be somewhat aware of them (e.g., you have been bringing up the topic naturally and nonjudmentally through in the moment observations), I want you to reflect on whether these challenges are in and of themselves difficult or if it’s a misfit between the trait and the environment. Here are some examples of how you might explain traits as both positive and challenging:

• Your brain is really good at making your body feel like it has so much energy. This is amazing when you are playing outside with your friends or playing sports because you don’t get tired easily. But sometimes having so much energy makes it hard for you to sit in one place for a longtime, like at school, which can make it harder to pay attention.

• Your brain is very sensitive to noise. This means you are really good at noticing small sounds. But sometimes this can make being in noisy places hard for you because it not only does it hurt, it also makes it hard to pay attention to people talking to you.

• Your brain can become super focused on things you really like. This means you can spend hours learning to do something really well. But sometimes being hyperfocused on one thing can make it hard for you to do other things that people want you to do, especially if they seem boring to you (e.g., when you are asked to do something you don’t like to do at school).

• Your brain is very alert to your surroundings. You are really good at noticing the emotions of other people, which makes you a really good friend. Sometimes though this can make you feel worried and overwhelmed by everyone’s emotions.  

After going over strengths and challenges, I will then say something along the lines of “when you put all of those things together we call that ADHD/Anxiety/Autism/(insert diagnosis).”

Be prepared to validate their reaction. Children can react to a diagnosis in so many different ways. It’s ok if they need time to process, it’s ok if they are upset, and it’s ok if they don’t seem to care. All feelings are valid. No matter how they react, let them know that it’s ok and that you love them!

Education and Exploration. Provide your child with age-appropriate resources that will help them learn about their brain. Maybe it’s books, videos, or websites. 

Overview:

Telling your child about their diagnosis is important for their well-being and self-understanding.  Through the use of nonjudgmental language, you play a vital role in helping them view their challenges without shame and cultivating self-compassion. Sharing the diagnosis empowers them to become advocates for themselves, creating an opportunity to connect with others who share similar experiences and fostering a sense of belonging. This process will be an ongoing conversation; the more you talk about it, the more you normalize it.